Respect Over Love?

A little while ago, one afternoon, I picked up my eldest daughter from school. As is customary, she narrated to me the eventful portions of her day, and at some point, we found ourselves in a deep discussion—was love truly enough or does respect preside over love? I'll reveal her thoughts later, but this conversation left me pondering for weeks. And even long after, I found myself circling back to the question. So, here are my thoughts, shared through one of my favorite stories of Hindu deities. A story of Shiva & Parvati. 

But first, who is Shiva? Shiva is the supreme God in Hinduism. As part of the Hindu Trilogy of creation, preservation and destruction, he is responsible for the last yet the most powerful function, he is the destroyer. It is believed that his destructive powers are constructive, as he ends the universe to make way for new creation. 

Who is Parvati? Parvati is the goddess of energy, nourishment, motherhood, and power. She is the one who infuses shakti (divine energy or power) in the space created by Shiva. Together they epitomize the perfect union, equality, harmony, and divine love.  

The tale begins with Shiva and Parvati engrossed in a game of dice. As the rounds progress, it becomes clear that Shiva is on a losing streak. Frustrated, he accuses Parvati of using maya (illusion) to manipulate the result of the game. Shiva doesn’t stop his remarks and goes on declaring that the material world—including food—is mere maya and, therefore, unnecessary. Offended and hurt, Parvati, in her form as Annapoorna, the goddess of nourishment, withdraws her blessings, plunging the world into hunger and drought.

The world came to a standstill. Crops withered, rivers dried up, and famine spread across the land. Without food, all living beings, from humans to animals and even celestial beings, suffered. The cycle of life itself was disrupted. Without food, there is no life. Without life, no pursuit of higher knowledge. 

Parvati, overflowing with motherly affection, could not bear the suffering of her people. She chose to reappear in Kashi—modern-day Banaras—and established a kitchen where she served food to all who came. 

Shiva, on the other hand, was overcome with remorse at his actions. He finally acknowledged that the material world is not simply an illusion, it is the foundation upon which life exists. Legends say that he disguised as a mendicant, and carrying a begging bowl, visited the kitchen where Parvati served him with her own hands. 

When I first saw a unique painting depicting Shiva in a child form, I was immediately intrigued. It led me on my search to find the story of Annapoorna. Enamored by the depth and meaning of the story, I decided to create a version myself, and now it sits in the heart of my home. (I want to credit the artist of this painting for their vision. Artist unknown to me.)

Shiva and Parvati’s story is a testament to the idea that love alone is not enough—it must be preceded by respect. Despite their divine love, Shiva’s disregard to Parvati’s role and contributions led to disharmony between them. In the end, it is not just love that sustains relationships, but it is recognizing each other’s worth, roles, and individuality. Respect is the foundation for love. I firmly believe that this extends into our modern relationships as well—be it romantic, familial, or friendships. 

A marriage cannot thrive if one person constantly feels unheard or undervalued; a friendship may seem like an equal bond at the outset, yet it weakens in the absence of respect; even bonds amongst family members can become draining when there is a lack of acknowledgment. In many cultures, matrimonial relationships are expected to be bound by love, yet love is often used as a veil to overlook instances of disrespect, inequality, and neglect. Subtle or direct remarks about weight, appearance, or aging by partners can chip away at self-esteem over time. Often, a partner exercises control over the other's food choices, or clothing, under the guise of love & care, but these actions often display an inherent lack of respect. Just as Parvati stepped away when she felt diminished, love alone is not enough—true connection is built on mutual respect and the space to be seen, heard, and valued. 

Circling back on my conversation with my daughter, I finally asked her—what did she think? Without hesitation, she said, "It’s got to be respect above love for me, always." I’ll never forget the tone in her voice, so assertive, so clear. Shiva and Parvati’s story is more than just mythology; it is a mirror to our own lives. Perhaps the real question isn’t whether love is enough, but rather—can love truly exist without respect?